Skip Ferland: "Got a second?"

(firm handshake) Hello. I'm Skip Ferland, Chief Executive Pitchman for the Mental State Department. I know you haven't got all day, so I'm going to give it to you straight.

What does everyone have? Problems. What does MSD do? We solve them. There, I just told you the entire idea. Now, let me step back and talk details.

Picture comedians, celebrities, rock stars. Oh, yeah and geniuses. Put them all on the same stage, in one night. Pack an audience with smart and sexy people. Get that audience drunk on liquor, make them laugh and think, play games and give them prizes. They have a damn good time, while the Mental State Department solves all their problems.

You're probably thinking "Smart and Sexy? Having a good time solving problems? Sounds ambitious." If that's what you're thinking, that we sound ambitious, it's only because we are ambitious. Mental State Department. Free Show. PSICKASS. Thursday June 9th. Beauty Bar. Will I see you there?

How To Prepare For PSICKASS

Hey y'all. It's Betty, from Mental State Department Patronization Services. I heard y'all were plannin' on comin' down to the good ol' Beauty Bar on June 9th for that free PSICKASS show we're gonna be doin' at 8pm. Well y'all probably just got a ton of questions about PSICKASS and we realized it cuz we are smart as Dickens, so the Mental State Department Executive Committee sent yours truly, Betty Matewell, Chief Patronizing Officer of the Mental State Department, to explain to y'all just exactly how June 9th is gonna go, what y'all are gonna need and why y'all gotta come.

First off, y'all shouldn't come if you're dumb. This gives a lot of people some headaches, so I'm here to rub y'all's temples for a second: do y'all think y'all are dumb? Because if y'all think y'all are dumb, y'all are probably not going to have a very good time at this show. We're looking for smart people, people who can confidently walk past a sign that says "no low intelligence beyond this point" without having to pause to finish reading it.

Secondly, y'all need to wear your nice clothes. MSD events aren't black-tie, but everyone in MSD is wearing a black tie. It's like showing up to a tuxedo convention picnic in your shorts. Yeah, y'all can get into the picnic in shorts. But sugar y'all'll look awful next to all those tuxedo CEOs in their golf pants! So that's the first thing to know: people are going to be judging y'all for looking poorly-attended. Put some effort into it, for y'all's own sake.

Most importantly, y'all need to bring problems, because that's what MSD does is we solve problems and we make y'all laugh. I know, it seems weird to solicit smart and attractive people, and then ask them what's wrong with their lives. But we figure we don't want to solve problems like "I'm stupid," or "I'm ugly." The solution to both those problems is the same: buck up, kiddo. We want y'all's complex life situations, y'all's international human rights concerns, y'all's fearful perspectives on global trade.  If every one of y'all shows up with at least one problem, we will guarantee they will be solved. (This is not an actual guarantee your problems will be solved.)

Now I'm not here to blow the whole nacho on what we have in store for y'all. However, I'll just leave you with these two other helpful hints on how to enjoy your evening with our special guests and the Mental State Department Executive Committee.

• TIP #1 - You never know what trivial details may be important to your evening's enjoyment.
• TIP #2 - One of our contests will end in a tie. Be prepared.

Well, that's about it for me today, y'all. But I hope y'all have maybe learned a little bit about the Mental State Department, and about me, the CPO of the MSD, Betty Matewell. See y'all on the 9th!

Full Lineup For PSICKASS Announced

The full lineup of genius problem solvers and musical virtuosos for the June 9th PSICKASS Event at Beauty Bar has been announced. A Mental State Department press agent spoke this morning from a podium, high atop MSD headquarters in Langley, VA, delivering the details in an address to thousands of desperate morons gathered below. “Headlining the event is comedian Danny Norton. He’s known throughout the world as a dandy genius, and is sure to make everything right in the world. The musical guest for the evening is Iretsu, whose funky, soulful pop-rock will soothe the audience into blissful relaxation, possibly even causing spontaneous dancing to erupt. In addition, previously announced guests Whitney Streed and Phil Schallberger, both of whom are brilliant and clever public speakers, are going to be assisting Danny Norton in solving the problems of everyone who attends.”
The announcement was met with indifference, drooling and some fighting among the unintelligent masses in the crowd. The PSICKASS unveiling is not open to the poorly-educated, but MSD announcements are often delivered to anyone who camps on the lawn of headquarters.
Mental State Department scientists have been crafting a simple yet effective system intended to solve all problems. Dubbed “PSICKASS,” Problem Solving Initiative – Creating + Kindly Announcing Silly Solutions, the system has been mysteriously short on public details until recently, when an anonymous source at MSD revealed the date and time the MSD intend to make PSICKASS public.
The PSICKASS unveiling is scheduled at 8pm on June 9th at the Beauty Bar at SW 1st and Ash. The program is intended to solve all problems, and is free for anyone (age 21+) to attend. Mental State Department guidelines insist that no one who attends this event be stupid, dumb, or stupid-dumb.
After this morning’s announcement, MSD distributed the following flyer, intended to promote the show:

Questions? Comments? Please contact MSD directly at mentalstatecomedy at gmail dot com

More PSICKASS Details, Geniuses Revealed

Today the anonymous source responsible for the PSICKASS-leaks revealed more information about the program, including the names of two geniuses who will be participating in the free problem-solving event "Two local geniuses are already confirmed to be a part of the solution," the anonymous source said. "One is a gender-bending mender of rifts, the other a gangly boy-genius with a dark side. They're only half of the total solution, but Whitney Streed and Phil Schallberger are going to be in attendance, and that's not just a coincidence. Expect them to solve your problems hilariously, and promptly."

Internal leaks last week embarassed the Mental State Department into disclosing that the June 9th public unveiling of PSICKASS at Beauty Bar in Portland, OR intends to solve all attendee's problems. This revelation is complicated by the usual Mental State Department disrespect for low-intelligence people, as MSD has invited all people, except those of low intelligence, to attend this event and have their problems solved.

Mental State Department public events are typically not open to low-intelligence people. In the past, stupid people have gathered outside MSD Headquarters, begging for their jars to be opened, or their keys to be un-flushed. Eventually, an executive order from the President of Fun declared stupid people "a buzzkill," and commanded that the National Guard, "protect our better, brighter citizens from their moronic, brain-dead compatriots." Mental State Department Headquarters is in a secret location, but the lawns are lovely and free of dummies.

The PSICKASS unveiling is June 9th at 8pm at Beauty Bar, SW 1st and Ash. Free. Stupid people are not invited.