Today the anonymous source responsible for the PSICKASS-leaks revealed more information about the program, including the names of two geniuses who will be participating in the free problem-solving event "Two local geniuses are already confirmed to be a part of the solution," the anonymous source said. "One is a gender-bending mender of rifts, the other a gangly boy-genius with a dark side. They're only half of the total solution, but Whitney Streed and Phil Schallberger are going to be in attendance, and that's not just a coincidence. Expect them to solve your problems hilariously, and promptly."
Internal leaks last week embarassed the Mental State Department into disclosing that the June 9th public unveiling of PSICKASS at Beauty Bar in Portland, OR intends to solve all attendee's problems. This revelation is complicated by the usual Mental State Department disrespect for low-intelligence people, as MSD has invited all people, except those of low intelligence, to attend this event and have their problems solved.
Mental State Department public events are typically not open to low-intelligence people. In the past, stupid people have gathered outside MSD Headquarters, begging for their jars to be opened, or their keys to be un-flushed. Eventually, an executive order from the President of Fun declared stupid people "a buzzkill," and commanded that the National Guard, "protect our better, brighter citizens from their moronic, brain-dead compatriots." Mental State Department Headquarters is in a secret location, but the lawns are lovely and free of dummies.
The PSICKASS unveiling is June 9th at 8pm at Beauty Bar, SW 1st and Ash. Free. Stupid people are not invited.