Thursday, May 26, 2011

How To Prepare For PSICKASS

Hey y'all. It's Betty, from Mental State Department Patronization Services. I heard y'all were plannin' on comin' down to the good ol' Beauty Bar on June 9th for that free PSICKASS show we're gonna be doin' at 8pm. Well y'all probably just got a ton of questions about PSICKASS and we realized it cuz we are smart as Dickens, so the Mental State Department Executive Committee sent yours truly, Betty Matewell, Chief Patronizing Officer of the Mental State Department, to explain to y'all just exactly how June 9th is gonna go, what y'all are gonna need and why y'all gotta come.

First off, y'all shouldn't come if you're dumb. This gives a lot of people some headaches, so I'm here to rub y'all's temples for a second: do y'all think y'all are dumb? Because if y'all think y'all are dumb, y'all are probably not going to have a very good time at this show. We're looking for smart people, people who can confidently walk past a sign that says "no low intelligence beyond this point" without having to pause to finish reading it.

Secondly, y'all need to wear your nice clothes. MSD events aren't black-tie, but everyone in MSD is wearing a black tie. It's like showing up to a tuxedo convention picnic in your shorts. Yeah, y'all can get into the picnic in shorts. But sugar y'all'll look awful next to all those tuxedo CEOs in their golf pants! So that's the first thing to know: people are going to be judging y'all for looking poorly-attended. Put some effort into it, for y'all's own sake.

Most importantly, y'all need to bring problems, because that's what MSD does is we solve problems and we make y'all laugh. I know, it seems weird to solicit smart and attractive people, and then ask them what's wrong with their lives. But we figure we don't want to solve problems like "I'm stupid," or "I'm ugly." The solution to both those problems is the same: buck up, kiddo. We want y'all's complex life situations, y'all's international human rights concerns, y'all's fearful perspectives on global trade.  If every one of y'all shows up with at least one problem, we will guarantee they will be solved. (This is not an actual guarantee your problems will be solved.)

Now I'm not here to blow the whole nacho on what we have in store for y'all. However, I'll just leave you with these two other helpful hints on how to enjoy your evening with our special guests and the Mental State Department Executive Committee.

  • TIP #1 - You never know what trivial details may be important to your evening's enjoyment.
  • TIP #2 - One of our contests will end in a tie. Be prepared.

Well, that's about it for me today, y'all. But I hope y'all have maybe learned a little bit about the Mental State Department, and about me, the CPO of the MSD, Betty Matewell. See y'all on the 9th!

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